Why Birth Plans Are Out (And What to Do Instead)

Labor & Birth
Written By Courtney Just

Stop writing birth plans. They don’t work. Not the way we think they will.

These days, everyone’s buzzing about birth plans. "Did you make one?" "What’s your plan?" It’s become a rite of passage in the pregnancy world. But here’s the truth I want to land gently but firmly:

Birth plans set a lot of mamas up to feel like they failed.

Why? Because birth rarely—if ever—goes exactly as laid out in a neatly bullet-pointed document with tidy little checkboxes. And when it doesn’t? Cue the letdown: "It didn’t go according to plan." We all know that low, disappointed feeling that sentence carries.

And honestly? That’s not your fault. It’s the language.

Let’s look at what “plan” even means: To arrange the parts of; to devise or project the realization or achievement of something.

Totally reasonable if you’re building a house or planning a trip to Tulum.

But birth? Birth is not that.

Birth is wild. Birth is nature in her most raw, unscripted, untamable form. It’s biological, unique, and wholly unpredictable.

We don’t know:

  • When it will start

  • How long it will take

  • How it will feel

  • How baby will respond

  • How you will respond

The only thing we do know? That baby is coming out. One way or another.

Everything else is a moment-by-moment unfolding.

So how on Earth are we supposed to plan for that?

We can’t.

And we shouldn’t.

Yes, it’s semantics. But semantics matter. Language shapes how we think, how we feel, and how we process our experiences.

If we keep saying we “plan” our births, we’re setting ourselves up to feel like we failed if things shift (and they often do). So instead of a birth plan, we need a birth preference sheet.

Because that’s what it truly is.

It’s not a contract. It’s a compass.

It says, “Here’s what I’d love to shoot for, based on what I know, what I value, and what supports me.”

And if the moment calls for something different? That’s not failure. That’s you meeting the moment. Pivoting with power. Responding with wisdom.

What Your Birth Preference Sheet Is Actually For

This tool is most useful for communicating your clinical preferences:

  • Intermittent vs. continuous monitoring

  • IV access vs. saline lock

  • Freedom to move vs. staying in bed

  • Positions for pushing

It gives your birth team clarity about what matters to you medically and procedurally.

As for the string lights, playlists, and room vibes? Nurses usually don’t need that spelled out. (Though for the record, they love it. I’ve heard more than a few walk in and say, “Whoa! Love the vibe in here.”)

So if that part feels fun to check off, go for it. But it’s not where your power lives.

What’s Missing from Most Templates

What I rarely see on birth preference sheets? Your core birth values.

These are the sensations and emotional experiences you want to feel during your birth—and carry with you afterward. They’re not about what happens. They’re about how it happens.

When I teach birth prep classes,  and we’re working on presence sheets, I always start by asking: What are your core birth values?

And often, I’m met with silence.

Not because they don’t know—but because no one has ever asked.

They’ve been taught to focus on outcomes. On decisions. On what they’re “allowed” to do or not.

But the truth is, you can’t control the what. Birth will unfold as it needs to.

You can, however, shape the how.

And the how is what truly colors your birth experience, making it feel empowering or disorienting. Integrative or confusing. Held or handled.

How to Clarify Your Core Birth Values

Take a breath. Close your eyes. Ask yourself:

  • How do I want to feel during my birth?

  • What emotional experience am I hoping to walk away with?

  • When I imagine giving birth, what feelings do I hope are present in the room?

  • If I could bottle the vibe of my dream birth, what would it feel like to open it?

  • What emotional anchors do I want to carry me through the intensity?

  • What would make me feel proud—not because of what happened, but how I moved through it?

Powerful? Calm? Supported? Ecstatic? Sacred? Joyful? Informed?

There are no wrong answers here. Choose your top 3–4. These are your core birth values.

Write them, in your own handwriting, using your favorite pen and color,  at the top of your birth preferences sheet. Embellish these words to your heart’s delight. These values are your compass.

Let them be the guiding light behind every bullet point that follows. The wide angle lens through which you pull back to remind yourself of the big picture, when you get stuck in the minutia.

Because if anything is a “plan,” it’s that. Those beautiful words you scribed at the top of the page.

And if you walk away from your birth with these embodied experiences achieved, felt, honored, you absolutely did what you set out to do, even if the path to get there looked different than the bullet points or checked boxes.

You fucking did that.

You had the experience you were craving and worked hard to achieve.

You walked through the portal. On your terms.

In the end, that's what this rite of passage is about. 

Want support creating your own birth preference sheet?
You don’t have to do it alone. Whether you’re looking for a birth class that centers your values, or a doula who helps you feel seen, I’d be honored to walk this path with you.

✨ Explore birth support + classes here
Or just drop me a line—I’m always up for a birthy chat.

Your birth is yours. Let’s make sure it feels that way.
🙌🏼❤️✨✨✨

Courtney Just
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